original homemade biscuits by the one the only the spectacular veggie daughter (not the blog but the inspiration)

sup it's me veggie daughter from tv? maybe in the future.

just got asked to do a guest post bc my homemade oreos made everyone CRAZY 


without further ado

(ALSO YEAH THE INGREDIENTS ARE IN CUPS OKAY IT'S EASIER I'M AMERICAN AT HEART WHAT CAN I SAY)


homemade le milieu avant tout biscuits
 by smittenkitchen by the veggie daughter

biscuits:

 1 ¼ cups of self raising flour

(alternatively: all purpose flour + 1 tsp baking soda + ¼ tsp baking powder 

this is from smittenkitchen's recipe but the above is from mine and was better received so... how bout those apples im coming for your crown)

½ cup cocoa powder

1 cup of sugar 

(smitten will tell you you need more SMITTEN IS A DAMN LIAR and i'm not so american that i would need excessive amounts of sugar okay no shade all tea ❤❤❤)

½ cup + 2 tablespoons salted butter

(smitten calls for unsalted butter and adding ¼ teaspoon of salt separately.... veggie daughter claps back WHO 👏 HAS 👏 THE 👏 TIME)

1 egg

1. preheat your oven to 180°C/375°F/gas mark 5  (i just googled that for the 3 people in the world who still use gas mark ovens YOU'RE WELCOME next time google it yourself ya lazy!) unless it's the hottest summer in the entire history of the world and you have no aircon 'cause you're english in which case just do it at the end (i won't tell if you won't tell)
2. mix the dry ingredients in your food processor bowl (if i need to tell you which the dry ingredients are.... just lick all the ingredients and if your tongue is wet then that's not a dry ingredient. wait your tongue is already wet. i'm out of ideas. it's the flour, cocoa, sugar and salt. the grainy ingredients. also the baking soda and powder if you're IGNORING ME IN FAVOUR OF SMITTEN IN WHICH CASE... go look at her recipe. go on. betray me.) no food processor? no oreos. tragic. or like, use a spoon. like the victorians/tudors/ancient egyptians would have if the tesco down the road was out of oreos. #historyfact
3. add the butter and the egg and mix. SLOWLY. or pulse it if you have a schmancy food processor - in which case just get your butler to make the oreos, fancypants.
4. arrange the biscuits on a baking tray. (what? how? is this your first time making biscuits? if so i'm honoured, wow, thanks. smitten says to use a piping bag but like. it's solid? so.) you do this by taking a spoon or your hands (your hands) and shaping the biscuits into small balls and placing them a distance apart on a greased/parchment papered tray and then squash em down with your hand. try to make them the same size. or don't, i'm not your boss. or am i?
5. put them in the oven until cooked. (hey veggie daughter, you're saying. how long? how do i know when they're cooked? please veggie daughter i've never cooked before and i am so so hungry. i laugh. it sounds like faraway bells. how long is a piece of string, child? i ask. smitten says 9 minutes. i shake my head and smile. my smile is older and wiser than my years. i fade away into the light. you're just so confused right now.) they will be very soft when they're ready! when you can smell them, about 10-12 minutes? although that is on our terrible oven. turn them around in the middle if you like. also you can always take them out and realise they're not cooked and just... shove them back in the oven again. once again, i won't tell if you don't. 
6. leave them to cool on cooling racks or on the trays while making the icing. (how do i make the icing veggie daughter? i hear you cry. CALM DOWN I'M GETTING TO IT you hear me cry. we're both crying. depression is in this year.)

author's note: i just went downstairs to get a picture of one of the 40 homemade oreos i literally made like, yesterday. AND CARNIVORE DAD ATE THEM ALL. really queen? that's how we're playing it? okay... 👀👀👀 🐸☕️ i mean at least it's a glowing endorsement.i guess. i'd rather have an oreo than a glowing endorsement for one that's been eaten though >:^(

icing:

⅓ cup butter (another difference: smitten will tell you to use half unsalted butter and half shortening. i ask you. WHO HAS. THE TIME. i just used salted butter... tastes good to me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

some vanilla extract (stop crying use however much you want damn... no more handholding!!!)

1½ cup icing sugar

(smitten recommends the proportions like ½ cup, 2 cups. yeah, if you want a tub of leftover icing in your fridge. which isn't the worst thing in the world. mmmm. but in all seriousness you don't need that much icing, it's very sweet)

1. mix the butter and vanilla extract
2. mix in the icing sugar. SLOWLY. (however slowly you do it there's going to be icing sugar everywhere. sometimes that's just how life is. no sense crying over a sugarsplosion.)
3. ice the biscuits. (real bakers would wait until the biscuits were cool to do this. however if you have a problem with GANNETS shaped like your MOTHER and your BROTHER in your kitchen, ice them straight away, because otherwise they'll complain and eat the dry biscuits and honey, your reputation doesn't deserve that. these biscuits are perfect.)(smitten will also tell you to assemble them so the icing is in the middle, like some sort of chocolate sandwich biscuit with vanilla icing in the middle. honestly, i wouldn't bother. might as well just... not. they taste good enough on their own and last twice as long 'cause there's twice as many. in theory. also if you're not a heathen you separate biscuits into halves before eating them. so. what's the point of putting the halves together in the first place? that's the real question, nabisco.)
4. eat the biscuits. (or don't. but they will be gone in less than 24 hours so work quick)